I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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