I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
