but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
