never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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