2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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