I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
