i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
