So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
