So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize