Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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