I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
