Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
40s are totally the cure
I have feelings that need drinking.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
