I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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