i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Randomize