i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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