i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
where does the pee come out of this thing
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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