It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize