I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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