apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
