Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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