just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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