"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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