I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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