Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
