I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
