If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
