his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
