I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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