I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize