headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
