just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
