just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
