I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
