Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
