bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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