It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
