On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Shame - the story of my life.
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