allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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