just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
