Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize