last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
