god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
