I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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