my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
