I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
