one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
