My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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