if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Come see our sink grown plant.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
