So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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