i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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