i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
