My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just pee around me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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