I bet he comes in French.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
