for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
