dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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