Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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