Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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