I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
