Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
