I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize