To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
