ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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